Give without validation,

Give because you want to,

NOT because you feel obligated to.

I feel heavy, weighed down, unwell,

I am overburdened, fanatically overcommitted,

To the wellness of every single creature in my world,

But me.

Distraction leads to retraction,

Deflection should be reflection,

Look inside, instead of outside,

Yourself.

What is there?

Who is there?

Who cares about you?

If not you?

Wellness is a gift you give to yourself,

Stop expending and extending YOUR wellness,

For the sake of others,

You don’t even know.

Know YOU,

Get to know you,

The real you,

The burdened you,

The hardened you,

The heavy-hearted,

YOU.

What do you carry?

And why?

An overflowing pail eventually leaks,

Stop filling it and giving it,

Leaving your own throat parched.

Stop silencing yourself,

Stop looking for excuses,

Stop stalling,

Stop calling,

For someone to save you.

It is only,

YOU.

You have great power,

But you are creating,

Burdens,

You are hiding,

Under the weight,

Of the oppressive systems you are here to crumble.

Stop it.

Stop it now.

Stand alone,

Stand on your own feet,

With courage and conviction.

No one is here to save,

YOU,

You are saving you,

That is the lesson,

You are here to teach.

Still

Unmovable

Broken

Tip-toeing around the chards.

No one seems to have a broom,

Let alone a dustpan.

Who will clean this up?

Does no one else see it?

Am I the only one?

How long has everyone been ignoring this scene?

How many have split their bare feet open?

Quietly navigating this brokenness?

Once the pain happens,

The blood appears.

Then what?

Are they afraid to feel?

Afraid to be alive?

Why are they avoiding the pain?

Someone has to brave it.

Someone has to bleed.

Or how else will this mess

Get cleaned up?

I have a broom,

A dustpan,

And a desire and willingness to live.

But will anyone help me

Join me?

Anyone?

Whose on the other side?

What is perfection?

What is failure?

What is peace?

What is balance?

These are elements of a human life.

How must I enter discovery?

How must I explore today?

Each sunrise is pregnant with opportunity.

To birth a new version of you, me, we.

Will we contribute?

Or take away?

Will we add to or deny,

The highest vibration of the Earth?

Who will we be?

Who will YOU be,

Today?

My fingers ache from the years,

My legs hurt from the tears,

Unacknowledged,

My back hurts from inaction.

Who will I be?

Who can I be?

Who are we?

Can I be true?

Can I be truthful?

Can I BE?

What makes a human life,

Worth living,

What makes us endure,

What we can choose not to?

Are we awake?

Are we aware?

Am I still asleep,

Today?

How can I stand?

How can I serve?

Who can I be,

For others,

Without losing,

Me.

Am I grounded?

Am I at peace?

Am I free,

Today?

Unstructured,

Uninvited,

Unloved.

Untethered,

Unrestricted,

Underestimated,

Underdog.

Unimaginable joy,

Today.

But I didn’t see you,

I cupped your cheeks,

Brought you close,

Looked deep into your eyes,

But I still couldn’t see you.

I felt vacant and empty,

My heart sank,

A breathless panic set in,

Who am I?

Where do you end?

Where do I begin?

Again?

Alone. Again.

You protected me,

You showed me where it wasn’t safe,

You isolated me,

You were my fierce companion,

I was your fragile apprentice.

You kept me safe,

Isolated and scared,

Full of fear,

Fight or flight,

Frozen.

You told me,

You’d never leave,

You held me,

Clawed me,

Back,

But you never promised, forever.

Your shadowy presence,

Was so heavy,

And yet, I needed you,

Clung to you,

You needed me,

To feel.

Neglect, abuse, blame, shame,

Responsibility placed on a child,

Paralyzed, stunted, stuck,

Fear unbound,

Responsibility of adulthood,

But numbed.

My tears are my salvation,

My shaky voice speaks truth,

It wasn’t my fault,

But you clung to me,

Your fear pinned me,

In time.

My words say,

Don’t pity me,

But my actions say,

I am the victim,

Comfort me, keep me,

Wedged in time.

Something switched on,

Or maybe turned off,

I started to feel,

Something

And it was better than,

Nothing.

Pain,

So much pain,

Grief, deep sadness,

Generations of open, festering wounds,

Bravest incarnation,

Felt.

Exquisite gratitude,

Pulsing passion,

Astonishing miracles,

Vulnerability,

Humility.

You were the bridge,

The frontier between me,

And my own disappearance,

The life-filled parallel,

To death.

You are the reflection,

When I looked at you,

I saw you,

And you saw me,

You validated me,

The victim.

I look again, really close,

At the mirror,

I only see me,

Alone,

But you are me,

And we are finally free.

I imagined the dirt bits she was trying to gather, as all of her perceived failures, what she considered ‘mistakes’,

And with each tiny, inching sweep, she was careful not to let any get away,

Instead, collecting them all up into a neat pile,

How did they manage to get to her back, I wonder?

Referring to the obvious hump on her back,

It was obvious to me, it symbolized the burdens she still carried,

After all these years,

It wasn’t lost on me.

I couldn’t help wondering,

When do we stop sweeping, collecting,

And let nature’s gust of wind, blow it away?

I’m tired, said my soul today,

I’m drenched with exhaustion from carrying you,

You are dense and heavy with worry.

When I’m happy, you are easy to see, I said,

I see you in the sunshine, in the nature beings, in the waves crashing,

But in the depths of my despair, when I want to numb, you seem, far away.

That’s when I carry you, said she.

My essence is eternal and unchanging,

You numb because you are afraid to remember the truth,

You are afraid of, me.

When you feel goosebumps,

When your hair stands on end,

When tears come and a lump in your throat,

That’s when you remember, where we meet.

When your human, challenged self remembers our eternal core,

You remember our collective purpose,

To heal, with the ones, who were here before.

Lighten your load, trust, surrender,

When you struggle and flail, it’s hard to hold you,

Feather light, you are, when you don’t, fight.

Let it come, let it all come,

It is all meant to be,

You, me, us, we.

It felt like Mother Nature breathed your life into my ear as our souls brushed against each other on the trail the other day. I think she delivered the message through a gust of wind. Or maybe she was just taking a deep breath. I recall things slowed down to a crawl, the leaves suddenly rustling loudly under my feet. 

Everything seemed magnified.

You and your friend were out for a hike with your wee ones. Each one was sweetly packed into the bunting of your backpacks. The small papooses were taking in the grandeur of the trees surrounding them, their tiny eyes wide and inquisitive.

You and your friend were looking at your phone. Maybe you were looking at old photos but I suspect you were positioning for a selfie. 

I don’t think you even noticed us.

But for that brief moment, I felt all of your frustration, your fears, your insecurities. I felt the weight of your motherhood in the pit of my stomach. I felt the pressures, the expectations, the worry, the judgement and the self-doubt. I felt the burden of that little papoose, you symbolically carry on your back.

I saw the life of comparison your parenting skills would face. I felt the torment you would feel about the decision society would force you to make: follow your dreams or be the mom you’re expected to be. The world doesn’t allow you to do both. 

I felt the weight you would carry to make everything ‘perfect’. The perfect dinner, the perfect house, the perfect garden, the perfect vacation and the perfect life.

The perfect body and the perfect wife.

I felt the anger you would have when you returned to work, only to find things were very different. Your job was different, your work was different and your friends were different. I felt your overwhelming disappointment but I also felt your rage.

I felt every single time you chose your family over yourself. I felt every invitation you would have to decline and every joy you would have to bypass, so that your family could be perceived as ‘happy’. I felt the resentment you would have that all of that fell on your shoulders and yours alone.

I felt the lack of time you would have to yourself, the variety of tones in which you would hear the word, ‘Mom’. There would be times when it would be a nuisance but there would be times when it would be a blessing. Still other times it would be a saving grace.

I envisioned you moving the other things in your life to the foreground and your hopes and dreams drifting to the back. I felt you shrinking and disappearing.

I felt your deep sorrow.

I felt the stigma you would feel around asking for help. You would feel better remaining silent than to appear weak.

I felt all the ways you would try to numb the longing you felt inside; the longing to get back to yourself. The long journey back to your core; the person you were before.

I felt your fierce determination to reclaim your identity. I felt your river of tears over lost time, lost years and lost hope. I felt your fear that you hadn’t done your best; for others and most importantly, for yourself.

All of that, I felt. 

And it may have been over a number of years, a number of months, a number of days or even a number of moments, I can’t be sure. 

But what I do know for sure is that I saw you, I felt you deeply and I just wanted you to know that I finally understood.

And that I miss you Mom. I wish you could have told me.

Day breaks, like any other,

Idealistic but moderate.

Worlds away, next door,

Colour.

The veil, stitched together again,

Tatters.

Pain, paralysis, pretending,

Together, apart.

Longing for understanding,

Yet, quick to repair the veil.

Hiding the ugliness,

Of my own privileged reflection.

It's time I made peace with you,

I've given you a lot of grief,

I've treated you so badly, abused you in so many ways,

But I didn't mean to, I mean, I felt like I had no choice.

Mom told me I had a great personality and a pretty face,

Then she gave me that book, "The Woman Doctor's Diet for Teenage Girls",

I knew what all that meant.

If I could mold myself into the expectation, maybe things would be better,

Maybe Dad would stay,

I was trouble, after all,

All my 'feelings' and my 'sensitivity'.

I'm so sorry I didn't realize how important you were to me,

You make it look easy, one breath in and one breath out.

I guess I took it for granted you would always be there.

You gave me a scare a few times,

But I guess I likely scared the shit out of you too,

We've had such a complex relationship.

I guess I needed to get out of my own head,

But more importantly, I needed to get out of the heads of others,

I really have no idea what's on the minds of others,

But that's not my battle, it's theirs.

I'm grateful you've stuck it out with me,

I'm so glad you haven't given up on me,

I had to do some housecleaning,

Before I was ready to care for you in a meaningful way.

Thank you for making me see your beauty and strength,

Thanks for your resilience and tenacity,

I sense you are getting tired,

I hope I'm not too late.

I know you need me to step up, and I'm ready,

You're weary from holding us both up,

I'm here now,

I'm ready to take an active role,

I'm at peace with you now.

I'll take care of you, it's my turn,

We're in this together,

I can't thank you enough for believing in me,

And knowing I would come around,

Even when I didn't.

I wrap my arms around my own shoulders,

And I step back from the mirror,

It's time to take care of my body,

It's time to take care of me.

Unanswered questions tossed into the void,

Lost in an open field.

Comfort food like a soft but too-long hug,

Pre-teen headaches brought on by the beating of puberty’s pulse.

A cracking foundation of beguiling ancestors,

When raw, they are flawed humans, after all.

Questions, I always had so many questions.