I have a new routine. Parts of it aren’t new, but the way the blocks fit together is. Some of that is movement, some of that is journaling, some of that is meditation, some of that is intentional writing (like this), some of that is creativity, some of that is joy and some of it is mindful eating.
At 58, mindful eating is new to me. I’m embarrassed to say that. Intellectually, I knew what it meant, and wanted to do it, but never did. Until now. But this isn’t just about eating. That’s a small piece.
I love beets. It started with a love of pickled beets, then I started to boil my own when we’d get in the summer from a local farm.
As I was boiling beets last week, I realized it was kind of like 2025, and frankly, a collection of years behind it.
I could have cut the beets up a bit or peeled the skin off first, but boiling in the water, immersing it in the heat, makes the skin literally slip off so much easier.
It occurred to me in that moment, that I’ve avoided the hot water in previous versions of myself, and stuff took a lot longer to figure out and learn. And I’m not sure I got the full lesson, always in a hurry to ‘keep up’ with the development of ‘others’, whoever that happened to be at the time.
Sure, it takes longer, but there’s such a satisfaction in easily slipping the skin right off because it’s ready, it’s ready to give it up. It’s spent.
It’s such a relief to let the skin actually come off.
In a somewhat intuitive premonition, I started this almost 5 years ago during the pandemic.
I'm sick. I'm sick because our world is sick but mostly I'm sick because I've been part of this sick world and I've been helping to keep it sick.
I've been sitting in it.
I've been sitting with my own biases, the ways I've sat idly by and kept quiet.
I've been listening, watching, FEELING the discomfort of my own white frailty, struggling to understand and learn the right words to speak up, in a way that serves others, and not me.
Because I am finally awake.
I want to crawl out of my skin but maybe that's for the best.
I feel like I am shedding my old skin all together, working it off, moving it along and all the while sitting patiently as the itchiness and irritation of the new skin grows.
But while it grows, my flesh is raw and I am feeling the pain of just the air hitting it.
I am impatient and uncomfortable.
I also know that's necessary.
I should feel uncomfortable in my white skin.
I finally realize that white skin has allowed me privileges not allowed to other humans. Systems are in place that continue to allow that privilege to exist.
This is not a time for me to look away, it's time to walk into the pain that has dogged myself and so many, for so very long, with the understanding that I had a part in ensuring that pain would continue.
I've started conversations with, "I'm going to get this wrong but....".
I want to be better.
I want to do better.
Will I stumble? Yep.
Have I stumbled already? Yep.
Do I have the strength to stand in it and wait for what to do next? Yep.
I'm also trying to be gentle with myself as I learn and grow.
And my joy is my resistance.
The liberation and the joy are the whole point.
We are not equal.
I need to do better.
I can do better.
~ Shauna Rae - June 2020/January 2026
It also shows me how far I’ve come in my understanding of privilege and how I feel called to show up in the world now.
While I can’t shed my ‘white skin’, I have gone deep into a universal unity and connection I may have seen glimpses of in the past, but that I have never seen to this magnitude, in this lifetime. I’ve done some serious work on myself, and that is continuous but man, I had to go into that boiling water and sit in it, sometimes for days and days.
I am still getting clear on next steps.
I have two accounts here on Substack. This one, and a podcast account Clearing a New Path that I have had for a few years. The podcast started during the pandemic. I have sputtered at it though in the past year, struggling to enjoy it.
I’m debating whether to merge the two together, in an attempt to show up in one space as my whole self, and I’m exploring what that looks like.
Please bear (and bare) with me as I evolve and ease bravely into my newest human expression.