I Couldn't See You

I looked in your face today,

But I didn’t see you,

I cupped your cheeks,

Brought you close,

Looked deep into your eyes,

But I still couldn’t see you.

I felt vacant and empty,

My heart sank,

A breathless panic set in,

Who am I?

Where do you end?

Where do I begin?

Again?

Alone. Again.

You protected me,

You showed me where it wasn’t safe,

You isolated me,

You were my fierce companion,

I was your fragile apprentice.

You kept me safe,

Isolated and scared,

Full of fear,

Fight or flight,

Frozen.

You told me,

You’d never leave,

You held me,

Clawed me,

Back,

But you never promised, forever.

Your shadowy presence,

Was so heavy,

And yet, I needed you,

Clung to you,

You needed me,

To feel.

Neglect, abuse, blame, shame,

Responsibility placed on a child,

Paralyzed, stunted, stuck,

Fear unbound,

Responsibility of adulthood,

But numbed.

My tears are my salvation,

My shaky voice speaks truth,

It wasn’t my fault,

But you clung to me,

Your fear pinned me,

In time.

My words say,

Don’t pity me,

But my actions say,

I am the victim,

Comfort me, keep me,

Wedged in time.

Something switched on,

Or maybe turned off,

I started to feel,

Something

And it was better than,

Nothing.

Pain,

So much pain,

Grief, deep sadness,

Generations of open, festering wounds,

Bravest incarnation,

Felt.

Exquisite gratitude,

Pulsing passion,

Astonishing miracles,

Vulnerability,

Humility.

You were the bridge,

The frontier between me,

And my own disappearance,

The life-filled parallel,

To death.

You are the reflection,

When I looked at you,

I saw you,

And you saw me,

You validated me,

The victim.

I look again, really close,

At the mirror,

I only see me,

Alone,

But you are me,

And we are finally free.