Wednesday, March 25, 2020 - Realizations

I cried a little yesterday, in the morning, when I was alone with my thoughts. It was a release from the tension, a happy cry about living in Canada and an anxious cry about what is to come and how we will all be affected. I can’t help but think we will be profoundly changed by this, and for the better.

Here’s what’s changed for us:

  • I set my alarm so I can get up in the morning and get on the treadmill – it gives me a sense of purpose and I listen to inspiring podcasts to start my day

  • We make all of our meals at home and we take turns

  • We make better choices for food and enjoy our meals at the table

  • Dan takes his lunch to work (he used to buy it at a café every day)

  • I am working from home so I wear casual clothes. Because of where we live, video conferencing it sketchy at best so literally no one sees me unless we FaceTime

  • Dan and I watch very little television – we talk a lot and we talk at length about our day, our hopes, and what we need

  • We go to bed even earlier than we used to and we talk some more in bed – sometimes we watch videos together – We watched a bit of The Agenda with Steve Paikin last night from Twitter, on my phone

  • I check in with friends via phone and make sure they are okay

I felt calmer yesterday ,with less of a sense of dread than I have in the past few days. I took in much less media than I usually do and I believe that helps. I went to bed last night trying not to think about tomorrow, just to live in the moments we have. I did okay, better than I expected. I still lie awake worried about Dan going in to work every day and what that may mean.

Recently, before we were self-isolating, I bought the book ‘Untamed’, a new release by Glennon Doyle. I’ve also been following the work of Brene Brown for a long time and I’m a big fan. So when Brene Brown’s new podcast episode dropped where she is talking with Glennon Doyle, I was eager to have a listen.

Here’s what I learned about myself from the conversation (but I think I already knew):

  • I am a supersensitive person who has been numbing the feelings I experience from others in any manner of ways including: booze, television, food, social media, online shopping (and likely more!)

  • I am not crazy just because I am uber-sensitive

  • Being real and truthful about who I am, I may be in a constant state of discomfort. This is good because I can recognize and name each stage as it comes along, as I am ‘in’ that discomfort

  • I have been programmed to be quiet, subservient and good and that means don’t stir up shit, don’t talk about anything meaningful and don’t confront anyone or have tough conversations because it makes us all uncomfortable. Unless I am quiet, subservient and good, I am bad and therefore, unloveable

  • My opinions and thoughts are not valid – Even when it was my job to have one, I hesitated giving my real opinion because of the personal attacks I’d receive as a result. Society told me I didn’t have enough education nor life experience to have an opinion. Plus, I’m a woman.

Admittedly, I have only started Untamed, but suffice it to say, I think it’s an important read for me at this point in time.

As I write this, Lola’s dry dog food has just arrived via FedEx, the driver waving to me through the window as he left it at our side door.

I wish I could hug him, because I appreciate him so much right now.

Be safe and well. Stay home.

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© 2019 Shauna M Rae