May 3, 2020 - Sunshine

I had a meltdown this morning. I blamed Dan but what I really think was at the centre of it, was the lack of control I feel.

This week has been really hard. I feel drained and exhausted. Each morning I've been getting on the treadmill, meditating and then occasionally, just having a good weep. Sometimes it's because I realize I am doing so well working on myself and growing and other times, I think I am overwhelmed by the uncertainty of what the world will look like, even a month from now.

Our governments (federal and provincial) are talking about tactics to revive the economy. What will re-opening look like for so many businesses that lose money every day they are closed? How many will survive? What happens when people start to run out of money?

World leaders seem to shock us every day with their decisions and their proclamations. America's president still shocks me, even though by this time, I guess I shouldn't be.

Everyone is trying to speculate how things will look in the future.

I think about travel. It's something we've been privileged to enjoy more of in the last few years, and the best Christmas in recent memory, was when we went to visit my brother and his family in England. When will we get to see them all again? Will we get to go on another tropical vacation? Will it be years from now? And will we even be able to afford it anymore? Will only the wealthy?

So many people are making predictions about everything, from how offices will be more open to employees working remotely and balancing family and work to how will we address our most vulnerable, now that we know how they've been treated and that changes should have happened yesterday. Will we forget and return to over-producing and over-consuming?

In the middle of all of this, I had a 3-month probationary performance evaluation for my position. There were a lot of things I thought needed to be addressed. Our small team has been working remotely for likely 6 weeks and I'm new and still learning. I had no fear in bringing things forward and confronting sticky situations that emerged. I was respectful but I didn't back down. I was calm and stood firmly in my values and my worth. I wasn't nervous, it felt like I finally stepped into the sun. The sticky situations haven't been resolved and now I have to choose what to do. I need to sit in it some more.

Sitting in all of this stuff has been terrifying and I want to run. I want to squirm and numb and run, but I've chosen not to. It's excruciatingly hard.

This week, Leah Hunt and I launched our new podcast, Kitchen Confessionals. You can listen right here on this website or on iTunes, Stitcher and Spotify. It felt like an amazing accomplishment and yet it felt effortless. I think that means it was supposed to happen. Although I have a lot to learn, and I'm sure we'll have challenges, it feels like the right time and the right co-host. I'm overjoyed by how it makes me feel when we talk.

Working in radio was my dream job. I went back to school at 29 to pursue that dream. When that ended a dozen years later, I thought I'd never have the chance to share thoughts and start conversations again. It feels like an amazing gift. I'm so grateful Leah didn't hesitate and said, 'YES'. Crazy as it sounds, we have never met face to face and I'm not sure when we will!

And my writing group met this morning via Zoom. We all felt drained and tired. But what we discussed was that not everyone can write and being able to write is a gift. I find writing to be extremely difficult because for me, there is always emotion attached to it. Many times I have ended writing a piece and sobbed. Or I would submit a column to the newspaper and read it in print later, not remembering what I wrote and getting teary-eyed. It's scary to put something creative out into the world and it makes you feel naked and vulnerable.

But during this time, it's almost like a duty to be documenting what's happening and what people are feeling as things unfold and as the world changes. In the simplest and yet most complex example, the thoughts of a young girl as she and her family hid during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands, comes to mind. The Diary of Anne Frank has been published in more than 60 languages. It has had a profound affect on the world. What you are seeing and experiencing will have an affect on future generations.

I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep getting up and showing up, no matter how I feel. I do my best and sometimes, that's not stellar.

But I am grateful for every opportunity this time has afforded me, no matter how messy and how incredibly difficult.

The sun is shining today and I'm lucky to be alive.