Riding the waves of emotion that inevitably come has just become a way of life. I think when all the busyness and numbing is stripped away, this is the way life is meant to be felt.
It's in learning how to navigate that, that the nuggets come.
I had a dream last night about the United States. There was a multilevel parking lot, like the one we have here in London, in front of Western University. The dead were just being left there. I had this vision of two people swinging a dead person and dropping them on the concrete. And America's president didn't want anyone to know how many of them there were.
I think this stemmed from an image I saw all over the media earlier this week. It still haunts me and I can't get it out of my mind. It brings tears to my eyes.
It was a photo of homeless folks in Las Vegas being assigned a parking spot to sleep. With all of the hotel rooms in Vegas, THIS is the best they could do?
In my anxiety and sadness, I listened to Brene Brown's podcast episode about Anxiety, Calm + Over/Under-Functioning.
The way I fit into that depends on who I'm with, and the situation. I over-function when I think that someone isn't doing 'enough'. I swoop in and take over when I think that someone is having trouble putting one foot in front of the other (in the past this was my mom). I have friends say to me that I bring a sense of calm for them. I would wear this like a badge of honour. But in situations where I'm experiencing trauma, sometimes I just check out emotionally, because my tank is completely empty from taking care of others; my fight or flight is so depleted that I feel overwhelmed. OR I simply cannot talk about the trauma at all, I just keep going as if it isn't happening, because there are things that have to get done and I need to at least function. It's easy to feel any of these ways, especially now. The key is to recognize you are doing it.
I did get to a place of deep calm this week, despite the level of emotion I was processing.
I am grateful for the benefit of mentorship and friendship; people that step forward to help ease my anxiousness and help me work through the quagmire of emotions I'm feeling.
It helps me find clarity, and helps me do a reality check.
It's easy to tumble down the hole of despair and uncertainty when we're only meant to take each day as it comes.
Meditating and deep breathing have helped me greatly. And just having someone sit with me to do that has been a gift.
Thank you to so many of you that have reached out and said you are experiencing similar feelings. Please keep reaching out.
I wrote a little something yesterday.
From moon beams to sun soaked,
Branches reaching to meet her,
A ripple on the quiet calm,
The silent swish of the oar as she dips and swings,
She holds us all in the canoe with her,
She holds space for our collective fear,
She comforts us,
She is we.