Saturday, March 28, 2020 - She

I woke up today with a dry tickle in my throat. It really scared me.

I started living with anxiety after the death of my mom and my brother, not a year apart. Mom died of cancer (she came to live with me) in 2015. My brother, Jason, died suddenly not a year later, in 2016.

At first, I thought the anxiety was because my thyroid levels were way off (I have lived with thyroid disease for over 20 years). Then I thought maybe it was perimenopause.

I wound up in the emergency department, convinced I was having a heart attack.

I don't remember ever feeling anxious before but maybe I have always had low grade anxiety and just numbed it.

My anxiety is at an all time high right now.

I had a cry this morning, Dan hugging me and telling me it's going to be okay. I bawled as I told him I felt ashamed. What do I have to worry about? We don't have kids, neither of us works in health care, we're relatively healthy. I felt ashamed of being scared.

He told me there was nothing to be ashamed of.

I got on the treadmill this morning and listened to The Jann Arden Podcast. It was a special edition. The theme was Good Things Come Out of Bad Things.

One of the things she said really stuck out for me. I'm paraphrasing but it went something like this, "Mother Nature's head is being held under water..." I could really visualize this.

The past two summers, I've been going to writing retreats on Lake Simcoe in July. Last summer I wrote a poem and I loved it but it just didn't feel finished. Jann helped me finish it today.


On a quiet day I can hear her voice,

Gently tucking me in to bed,

The strength in her dulcet tone is somehow comforting,

I'm afraid but I get the feeling I know her,

Maybe not in this life,

Her voice woefully called to me but I was still afraid,

What does she want with me?

What does she need to tell me?

She is whispering,

She is moaning,

She is crying,

She is sobbing,

She is screaming,

On a quiet day we can all hear her,

Be still and let her speak,

She is we.

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© 2019 Shauna M Rae